Saturday, April 6, 2013

Struggling


In case you think I have it ALL together, think again. 

This life I lead is not an easy one. I don't want it to be easy.  God

never promised it would be easy.   I'm ok with doing HARD things.

Yet here I am facing HARD things and if I am honest with myself,

I am struggling.  I realized today that I am scared to travel to China

BY. MYSELF.  I have tried and tried to tell myself that I was at

peace with the fact that there was NO. ONE. to go with me.  I have

prayed for strength and courage rather than face the real fear inside

of me.  Today the wall I have put up came crashing down.  I have

frantically emailed a family member and a friend asking if there

was any way they could make the trip with me.  I tried not to beg

even though deep down I really wanted to.  At the end of the day, I

am still going alone - for this precious little one.




I am not afraid of adopting a child with no hands.  I am not afraid

of being the mother of 9 children.  Yet I am scared to death to tell

my husband and children good bye and walk away towards airport

security BY. MYSELF. 

This journey will not be easy for me.

Yet I have known for a long time that adoption is not easy. 

When we spent 9 days in various Chinese hospitals with Lilly

back in 2007, I learned quickly that adoption is not easy and not

for the faint of heart.  When we arrived home from China and

David drove Lilly and me from the airport to the hospital where  

 she was admitted, I knew adoption was anything but easy.

Yet tonight I needed a reminder and  God provided as He always

does.

"My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, outrageous, expensive, excruciating & exhausting. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed him."
 ~Derek Loux

I needed a reminder that I am walking in my Savior's shoes.  I am

His vessel to redeem one of His children and when I am weak, He

is strong.

I know God will equip me for what lies ahead on this adoption journey.

 The long plane ride BY. MYSELF.

The juggling of a grieving 2 year old, paperwork, luggage, cameras, and other stuff necessary for us to live for 2 weeks in China waiting for the adoption to be completed.

The loneliness that I dread to feel sitting alone in a hotel room in China - jetlagged and scared to fall asleep too early because then I will wake up too early - alone again.

The fear of Dawson rejecting me and having to endure that ALL. BY. MYSELF half way around the world from family and friends.

Yet God is bigger than all of my fears.  He called us to this child

knowing full well that I would make the journey alone.  I know

He will be there with me ALL. THE. TIME.

On the long plane ride.

While I juggle a grieving 2 year old and all our stuff.

In the hotel room when I feel lonley.

So tonight I cling to the One who created Dawson and who

created me.  To the one who ordained the exact moment in time

when Dawson and his mommy will meet for the very first time on

the other side of the world.

A little boy abandoned in a China town days after his birth and an

 ordinary mom who chose to lay her selfish desires aside in

order to follow HIM -

to the least of these.

"My grace is sufficient for you
for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:10



7 comments:

  1. Jan, tears rolling down my face as I type this. I will pray that God will continue to show Himself to you during the next few weeks. I will pray that we will see each other on this journey and maybe provide some comfort or at least distraction for you! Thank you for this very real glimpse of how God is working in you!

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  2. Just read this and had to share,"I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears." Psalm 34:6

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  3. Oh Jan, my heart is heavy for you, but I am completely confident that God is going to show up big time on this trip. I know he is going to surround you with people to take care of you and see you through. We will be on our knees lifting you up! You can always SKYPE us. Also, you need to talk to Elaine, she had an idea about a traveling companion.

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  4. Sweet friend, I wish I could travel with you. I would jump at the opportunity to be there to help you! Know that our family will be praying for you and we love you!

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  5. I took the last 1/2 of our trip for Tessa in China by myself and granted, there were some lonely times. I was pretty nervous at first just traveling to Bulgaria with just my 13 yr old 2 years ago also. But, peace came along the way both times. God didn't see you along this journey this far to leave your side on the homestretch. Prayers for peace about this very soon....and encouragement and comfort as the time draws near. Blessings, Jennifer

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  6. Oh, Jan. I do know how you feel. If my sister hadn't agreed to go with me I would be in the same position. Even with her going it is still going to be so difficult not having my husband there. Is there anyway one of your older daughters could go? My 14 year old is going and was going whether my sister went or not. Praying we travel at the same time. Once we arrive in Guangzhou we will help you in anyway that we can. Praying for you! Kristen

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  7. I traveled without Adrian for Lukai, I was terrified. But then the strangest thing happened, the day we landed in China ~ His peace and confidence covered me and stayed for the almost 3 weeks. It was amazing, I even did the subways in Beijing and went out late at night, things I wouldn't even do in 2009 with Adrian by my side. I pray you experience that same miracle my friend :)

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